Navigating Life Transitions: Who Am I Now?

Our lives can be forever changed in an instant – a sudden death, loss of a job or home, marriage, divorce, birth, a frightening medical diagnosis, an accident and many other unforeseen surprises. At times like these, much of what we’ve taken for granted as our daily reality is suddenly swept away.

In a culture such as ours, that reveres stability and maintaining a “good image,” such life transitions can be profoundly unsettling. If we are unable to properly acknowledge, mourn and release our old expectations these shifts can lead to a variety of distressing secondary symptoms, including anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addictions, sleep problems or physical symptoms.

Alternatively, non-western cultures regard transition in a more positive light. In Chinese calligraphy the same character for “crisis” also means “opportunity.” Major upheavals can lead to personal growth, creativity and spiritual connection. Other perspectives place far less emphasis on the outcome than on being present and compassionate with the process itself.

Yet, how do we remain “present” and “compassionate” in the face of great suffering or fear? Therapy is one path that can provide a safe container to express and witness grief or pain. As we learn alternate ways to sit with our losses we can also reconnect with our lives in a new way. In particular, I have found that use of imagery, role-play, art and writing as adjuncts to traditional “talk therapy” can promote compassionate expression and transformation of difficult feelings.

Therapy can also address a far deeper issue – the many masks and self-images we fiercely cling to, rather than trust the wisdom of our innermost self. I remember a powerful children’s story in which a young boy feels unimportant and alone at school. He decides to wear a funny costume, so everyone will notice and like him. It works so well, that the next day he puts on two costumes. This works even better! Soon, he is wearing more and more costumes, until one day he puts on so many at once that he can’t move. He shouts and cries in terror, but no one hears him. Eventually he finds a way out of the trap and comes to realize how precious and special he was all along.

We are much like that boy. We wear many masks, such as “good daughter,” “athlete,” “successful businessperson,” “loser,” “strong,” “fat/thin,” “weird,” “caretaker,” etc. The list is endless. Life transitions allow us to shed and re-examine some of our most cherished identifications. Though we may flounder for awhile without them, we have an extraordinary opportunity to contact something far more precious and enduring – our core essential self. This is the sacred jewel that connects us beyond our egos, and gives us strength even in the worst of times.